she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
