i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
