The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
