how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
