he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
