shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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