I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
