I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
