Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
