Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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