The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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