You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
