Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
