If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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