what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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