weddingsv make me drug and hornr
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
