Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
