You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
