I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
