Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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