The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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