yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
