A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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