hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
