i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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