When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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