when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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