I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
