I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
