I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize