can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
