I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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