You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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