I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
