Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
