apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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