You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
