people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
