My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
