how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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