You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
