I faked an abortion last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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