i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
