in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
