Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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