so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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