I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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