mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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