why didn't you poke me back
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
