I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Drunk is not a location!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize