I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
