dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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