Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
