i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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