i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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