so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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