Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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