Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
