I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
