I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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