the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
