just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
