tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
