I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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