I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Even my vagina gasped.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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