3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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