take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
